The Price of Secrets
by Luinramwen
Summary: The price of keeping things secret can be a terrible, exacting one but what other choice does one have when one can't be sure of trusting anyone else?... Ch. 6 UP!Blood Price. BIG SPOILER alert for ch. 120, don't read if you wish to preserve your sanity
1. I Remember

**I Remember**

A/N - …I dunno. I keep playing around with scenarios that revolve around Fai. He's so damn mysterious! (roar!)

Disclaimer - Don't own.

-

I remember the way they all drew back from me, fearful shadows flickering through their uncertain eyes like ghosts. I remember the cold of the wind as it whipped at my hair, mercifully hiding their eyes from me, hiding my eyes from them.

I remember a voice, strong and angry. For once, the anger was not directed at me.

I remember seven words said by that voice, "Stop this nonsense! He's not a freak."

I remember a boy, tall, proud, regal, his black hair whipping about his face as well. I remember him standing there, alone and imperial, facing a silence as cold as the wind. "Stop it," he'd said. "It's ridiculous. If he _is_ a freak for what he is, then so are we all. Magic belongs to all of us. None of us can help who we are! Leave him alone!"

I remember the boy had a short fuse, and I remember feeling shame that I had been the cause of this outburst.

I remember a smile as he turned to me, a boyish grin of comradeship that contrasted with the others' fear as summer day contrasts with winter night. I remember a hand, stretched out unhesitatingly, to help me back to my feet. I took it. How could I not? I remember feeling, suddenly, gladly, that everything would be all right now. It was strange, almost irrational, but the boy's smile made me believe it. I remember smiling back, trying to express my gratitude to this boy who had taken my part in front of a group of kids with hate in their eyes.

"My name is Ashura," he said. "And I'm sorry that had to happen your first time here. What's your name?"

"Fai," I said, and I remember my voice sounded sheepish and small, an apologetic pin dropping into the disbelieving silence.

Ashura smiled again. "Fai-kun, huh? Come on, let's get out of here."

And that was it. No turning back. We were friends.

I remember that we were close - like brothers, almost. I would have done anything for him. It didn't matter that he was the Crown Prince of Celes, or that I had the power to crack the country in half. He was just Ashura, the only guy who even tried to befriend me or be there for me when I needed it; and I was just Fai, the guy who knew how to cheer his gloomy spates and make him laugh no matter what.

I remember the day he was crowned king. I remember being made his magician, how proud, how happy I was. How happy and sure of ourselves we both were. I remember how he lead us in the war against Sudon, as proud and regal as he'd been the day he'd taken my side against the other young wizards.

I remember all that.

But I still can't figure out where it all went wrong.


	2. The Price of Caring

**The Price of Caring**

A/N - major spoilers for Vol. 13. Please do not continue if you do not like spoilers. I decided it was time to do Syaoran-thoughts with reference to a manga volume… the opposite of the Kuro-thoughts in No Weaknesses. Wow. I actually tried to write someone different! (cheers) No pairings.

Disclaimer - Don't own, enough said.

-

I feel as though I know him now. Kurogane-san. I think I can see things that were hidden to me before - things that I would never have guessed were there. I wish I hadn't intruded on what are obviously still painful memories for Kurogane-san… but… I'm also thankful that he doesn't seem to mind. It's shameful to admit it, but I'm glad I know. I'm glad he isn't angry. But mostly I'm glad that he seems to trust me, with the knowledge of his past, with other things.

Kurogane-san is always so strong, so proud, so completely certain of what he is and where he's going, and why he's doing it that way. I've… always admired him for that. But I never understood how someone so supremely confident in his own abilities could never ease up or smile.

Now I see why. I've seen that he wasn't always like this. It's because of what happened that he's so different now. He used to smile. I think that's why I didn't realize that the boy in the book was Kurogane-san at first… he had such a warm, glad smile. It's so strange to think of him like that. It's odd to think of Kurogane-san being innocent - but he was, once - and that innocence wasn't just cleanly broken. It was torn and maimed beyond repair. I can't imagine what it did to him - but I can see some of its effects.

Kurogane-san has always seen himself as protecting the ones who meant the most to him. He and I are alike, in that respect. And so I know that it's because he feels that way that he also sees himself as responsible for… what befell his parents.

I know why when he fights he gives no mercy. Somewhere, deep inside, I think he decided that no one he loved would ever die because he wasn't quick enough to act ever again. Maybe he doesn't even know he made that promise. But it's obvious to me, in his quick, immediate response when any of us are in trouble, in his worry that the princess he serves will not be there to greet him when he returns. He can't trust to fate to keep his most important person safe. I can't blame him.

Fighting is what he does best, he'll claim. And it's true that he's very good at it, but I think that what he does best, what he does most naturally isn't quite so narrow - it's protecting those who can't fight to protect themselves. He grumbles and complains about it, but I… I don't think it bothers him as much as he lets on.

Somewhere between fighting monsters and learning to trust each other, we've all become important enough to him that he'll fight to keep one of us from dying, or to revenge someone's death. I found that out in the place called Fairy Park, when he decided to fight Seishiro-san because he believed that Fai-san and I were dead. He swears and yells and threatens to kill Fai-san and Mokona, and I've heard him call me 'brat' when he doesn't think I can hear… but I don't really mind, because I don't think he really means it. Maybe he meant it at first - he unnerved me through those first few worlds, when I didn't know him well enough to see that that's just how he was - but I don't think he really does mean it any more.

I think he's afraid.

I can only imagine his anger if he knew I'd thought that about him, but as odd as it sounds - almost odder than knowing he was such a happy child - I think that's what he is.

I saw what happened to him, you see.

I saw him weep. I never, ever thought I would. It let me see something he's never let anyone see. He's human. He's loved.

I… I wept too, because I could feel the pain and the loss that he was trying so hard to control, trying and failing. I know this, too: if I ever lost people that I loved in such a rapid, stomach-churning manner, I would be terrified to let anyone else get close to me ever again. Even just thinking about it… about losing Sakura-hime like that… about losing Fujitaka-san like Kurogane-san lost his father… I don't know if I could be strong enough to go on, even if I thrust it away from me, even if I held it all inside, far from conscious thought.

I think that fear is partly why Kurogane-san refuses to act as though he really cares what happens to us, refuses to relax around me and Sakura-hime, Fai-san and Mokona. Because losing someone is too hard.

Yes, I know he does care what happens to us. He hides it, but every now and then, in the middle of an attack, I can catch a glimpse of that fear in his eyes.

I don't know if any of the others see it, although Sakura-hime has always had a special sense for that kind of thing. She sees much that would be hidden from most of us. I wonder if she already knew? And I think that maybe Fai-san might be able to tell. I've seen the same fear in his eyes once or twice as well, in Oto, in the world with the cyclone, a momentary flash in Piffle during the Dragonfly Race. Does he know that he's not the only one with that fear? Does he see it in me, in Sakura-hime, in Mokona, in Kurogane-san? It's so hard to tell with Fai-san.

Kurogane-san told me not to take his old scars onto myself. I know he meant it, but I also know that I can't keep that promise not to remember, and hurt for him.

I have that same fear. And that's the price we all have to pay when we start to care about someone.


	3. Smile

**Smile**

A/N - More depressing fluffishness that may or may not be uncanon… don't know… I don't think anyone does. It's this most horribly angst-y reason for why Fai always smiles… Oh, _god_, someone please hit me for writing this. _Please. _(FxF)

Disclaimer- Don't own, don't own, don't own.

-

"What the hell's your problem? Don't you _ever_ try to stop smiling and be serious?" Kurogane yells at me, incensed once more.

I could tell him why. I could tell him it was a promise I made, once, to someone I would have died for, who died in my place.

To Freya, who died in my arms. Even as the life seeped out of her, even as she fought to breathe, she'd smiled up at me, eyes gentle and dimming.

"Fai-kun… a favour?"

"Anything," I'd told her, meaning it more than I'd ever meant anything before. I couldn't do anything else. My magic had not been able to save her.

"Will you… please… smile… for me? Just… one last time."

"Wh- what?"

"Please, Fai." Her hand grasped at mine weakly. I held it tightly. "I would like… to see… what I tried to save."

"I don't know if I can," I'd told her, ashamed and helpless. If there ever was a time when a smile would be impossible, it would be then, with my princess dying, when I should have been there to keep her safe. Ashura-ou had every right to blame me for the death of his sister. Every right.

"Don't… say that," she'd whispered. "I don't… ever want to break… your smile. I… love…… your smile. It's always… made me feel… that somehow, everything… will be all right."

"Freya-hime…" I don't know when things had ever been less all right. But somehow I managed it, somehow I managed to smile down into her half-closed eyes, even as I wept. I hadn't wept in ages. I didn't even realize that I was until much later. "You'll be OK," I'd told her, though we both knew it was a lie. "In a little while it won't hurt so much, it will all go away. Freya?" I panicked; I could not feel her breathing.

Her eyes were closed, but I could see her own tears glistening just under the lids. "Don't… cry for me… Fai… I did… this for you. Because… you're…" She'd started coughing, so hard that she lost track of what she'd been saying. "So, don't ever… lose… your….. smile…."

"I swear. I swear, Freya-hime -"

I could tell Kuro-chan this. I could tell him why I don't want to stop smiling. I could tell them all. They'd probably understand. We all know what it's like to lose someone.

But for now, I just continue smiling at my storming ninja comrade, a distant, secretive smile, even though my heart aches with that memory. Maybe one day I'll make myself relive it for my friends. Maybe.

But for now, I'll keep smiling, because that way I will continue to see my princess smiling back at me.


	4. Issues of Trust

**Issues of Trust**

A/N - So much for this being a _short _drabble. Wrote this just after I read Vol. 8, as you should probably be able to tell, since all the conversation is direct quotage. It is sooo cute! Vol. 8, not this so much. And I just finished reading chapter 112 (well, looking at the pretty pictures and then reading the translation - I loveth the splash page! It really does look like he got splashed! Heh… Hot guys are hotter when wet….) so I could compare this and that. And I'm…. sort of…. pleased to announce that I'm thinking… I'm thinking I'm somewhat right. Waaaiii… Fai-chaaaan…. (huggles)

**Not KuroFai**! Do I really need to keep saying it? It _never_ is.

And yes. I am trying to get out of writing just these two characters, but they're great fun and anyways I love them to pieces. I am TRYING. I've planned other pieces with other characters, but I don't know quite where to put them. I'll figure something out. I'm trying to go into other characters, but I do love my Big Kitty and my Big Puppy. (smirks) I've always been such a softy for animals.

Disclaimer - Don't own, wish I owned Fai so I could give him a great big hug. (cough)

-

Almost morning... and I wish it would hurry up and be dawn.

"It doesn't matter what I think." His expression is pensive, but not particularly angry. It seems to be more that he's trying to get me to tell him something. "You aren't gonna tell me about it, right?" It's almost accusing. Almost.

I'm silent, unsure as to whether the drink is making him sulkier than usual… or if he's just tired of chasing after my butterfly answers to everything, if he's merely annoyed and wishes I would smarten up and be straight with him, or anyone, about anything… just for once.

I can't tell. His tone suggests the second, but that alone seems weird. No matter how much he'd drank last night, I doubt it was enough for him to seriously care about what I'd have to say to him. Kuro-pon just doesn't like secrets, or lies; and I guess I'm guilty of both.

I know that if he really is interested in hearing me talk, it's only because he hates people hiding things from him, not for any other reason. Like concern. I don't think Kuro-chii really likes me all that much.

Heh… I lie even to myself.

I know he hates me. And I know he's not trying to get me to talk because he wants me to trust him. He's not the sort of person to ask for trust, especially from someone like me. Besides, hearing him say that is about as unlikely as him figuring out that I'm _not_, actually, called, "that damn magician," "the skinny guy," or, "you bastard." I'm not a bastard; I _was_ legitimate, thank you very much… although I think he uses that word to mean something else, besides a comment on my parentage. And in that case I guess he is getting closer to the truth, whether he realizes it or not.

Besides… Kuro-tan has his own troubles in the trust department.

I know he tries to make me angry, make me scared, get any reaction out of me other than a smile. He's so blunt and direct about it, too. I can just glide past his questions, smiling at how clumsy he can be. Kuro-ji is like a bad archer using an enormous crossbow; just by moving aside I can make him shoot himself in the foot.

But I don't underestimate him; he might not be much of an archer, but… that Puppy-chan knows how to stab right to the heart.

I know he hates me. I know he doesn't worry about me, because you don't worry about the people you hate, or the ones who hate you. I'm everything he's not - his complete opposite, really - so he hates me. I… can't say the same. I see the differences; even a blind man could. But I also see beyond those. To the core of him, if you will… well, as best as anyone can! - and I think he's really not so different than me, under it all, under the mask. Except that for him… what's under that mask has stayed pure. So, I don't hate him.

But I guess I'm maybe a little jealous.

I should hate him because of that, I guess… but I've never been very good at hating people. _Loathing _them… yes. But hate?

I respect Kuro-chan. I really do. That's why I tease him so mercilessly. Because I do rather like him, in spite of it all. He really is a good guy, even if he likes to think he isn't.

I know all this. And I know he wants me to answer, but I can't, because no matter how I respond to his challenge he will hate me all the more because of it.

So I just smile, see his eyes narrow, and say, "Who knows? You may be wrong."

He can ask - I'll let him - and I'll see… I'll see if I'm brave enough to answer.

"It may be just a statue, but they started talking about Yasha. And the name of Ashura came out, too." His eyes fix on mine as though he's trying to pin me in place, keep me from worming out of this one. "It was just at that time that I saw your face lose colour." His tone is quiet, hard… cold.

I feel my smile fade… melt into something sad. _I_ hadn't even noticed that, and yet he had. Oh, what things have come to…

It wasn't even the Ashura that I know. Just the name was the same.

So. He wants me to tell him why the name Ashura affects me so.

I know Kuro-rin is smart. I know he picks up on more than most people would ever give him credit for. People see the muscles, the looming figure, the Glare, and don't bother to look any further.

I know that. So why should his observation surprise me? What had I just been thinking? Puppy-chan knows how to stab right to the heart.

I'm positive that he hates me… so why does he keep asking questions, why does he keep prying and trying to make me take responsibility for myself and live - as though he cares?

He still hasn't taken his eyes off of me. Kuronta has a stare that would give a statue a headache.

Why ask, why pry, if you don't really want to know? If your only reason is not liking secrets? Everyone should have some secrets. And it's not like my own secret will threaten him, or any of the others, not if I keep them from getting any more involved with me. Why won't he let me be? Does he like to see me squirm so much? Is he that callous that he finds it amusing to pry into my private, separate life when I so clearly don't want him - or anyone - to?

His eyes flicker momentarily… soften ever so slightly at the corners?

It has to be my imagination, but it throws a wrench into my logical reasoning for not telling him.

Am I wrong not to trust him? Am I wrong to not give in, give him the answers he wants, let go of the weight of secrets that I so badly want to, be straight with him as I've never managed to do with anyone else since… Celes? Is he trying to help me, trying to open me up?

I think it would be nice to be able to trust someone. I really do. I think it would be nice not to have to hide, to stretch the truth. I think it would be nice to find someone I can just talk to, someone who would listen and not judge me, someone who wouldn't draw away, eyes wary and mistrustful. So nice…

But if that person exists, I doubt that it's Kuro-puu. If I'd even want it to be Kuro-puu. And I won't have Sakura-chan or Syaoran-kun take on that weight. They have enough to worry about on their own. Finding Sakura-chan's memories is heavy enough... especially for Syaoran-kun, who knows she will never remember him again, even if he finds them all. I know how that must hurt him.

And... I'm no longer sure that I know how to trust. Not after what's happened.

So I don't say anything, until I see his eyes narrow again in disgust and exasperation. I don't change my expression. I don't look away.

It's better this way. Better that he doesn't know what he's really asking for.

And the knock on the door is a welcome intrusion into our silence.


	5. The Price of Electricity

**The Price of Electricity**

A/N - _Please_ don't ask. I figured, well, the title's The Price of Secrets, one of the drabbles is the Price of Caring… let's have a third thing in this little series, something a bit more light-hearted. So here it is. The _real_ reason why Fai is running away. Please feel free to say, "WTF!" when you read it. And then if you've seen the anime, look back to the first episode. It's true. It's so, so true.

Disclaimer - don't own, don't own, don't own.

-

Magic swirled around them, and dissolved away into nothing, neatly dropping the companions into a large snowdrift.

"Stupid manju!"

"Ufufufu!" chortled Mokona, popping up to the surface quickly and easily. The small white creature watched his friends struggling to get out of the snow, still chortling happily.

"Mokona loves snow!"

At last the four humans stood, brushing snow off and out of their clothes, beginning to take in this strange new world.

"Oh!" Sakura gasped, looking around in delighted wonder. "Oh, it's beautiful!"

They stood at the bottom of a rocky hill, climbing upwards into the sky until it seemed as though it would touch the clouds… and then came the realization that it really _was_ touching the clouds, because this hill was in among them.

Looking out over the sky beyond the hill, the group could see vast floating islands, torn from their rocky moorages in the earth and thrust up into the sky. Built upon them were fantastic structures, practically cities on some, stretching outwards towards the blue curve of the horizon of the surface faintly visible far, far below.

Somebody asked the magic question.

"Is there a feather in this world, Mokona?"

The voice was oddly strained - and not Syaoran's. It was Fai's, and he was ashen-faced, though he kept his face low to hide the look in his eyes.

"Mokona doesn't know!" Mokona said, after a moment's silence as the little creature tried to figure it out. "Mokona senses a lot of power - but Mokona can't tell if it's the power of the feather or not!"

"Well, that's useless," groaned Kurogane.

"Well," Fai said quickly, a matching strained smile on his face, "This is a world of great power and magic. That's probably what you're sensing. Ok. No feather here. Let's go on to the next world!"

"Why?" Sakura asked, a strange look in her eyes. "This is a beautiful world. Can't we stop here for a little while?"

"No, I think we should move on, right, Syaoran-kun? The feathers are the most important thing. And… and I don't think this is a good world to stop in. I don't like the feeling I get from it."

"Fai-san, is something wrong?" Syaoran said quietly.

"N-no, not at all, why do you ask?" Fai tried a careless laugh, but it did not come out right at all.

"This is your world, isn't it?" Kurogane said harshly. "That's why you want to get out of here so badly, right? Well, I for one am not going _anywhere_ until you tell us _why_ you don't want to be here."

Fai stared down at his hands, deathly pale. He bit his lower lip, hesitated, started to speak, closed his mouth again. He seemed to be struggling with something, something that he did not want to reveal, not ever. But at last, he confessed:

"I…… I left all the lights on in the palace when I left. Ashura-ou will _kill_ me if I'm here when he wakes up and sees the electrical bill I left behind," Fai said very quickly and in a shamed voice.

"Eh!"

"_What the HELL -!"_ screamed Kurogane in complete and utter disgust.

Mokona was the only one to take action. "Good enough reason for Mokona!" Mokona piped up, and cutting off the ninja's exasperated swearing in the middle, sucked them back through the interdimensional corridor.

"You goddamn lying bas -!"

And they were gone… leaving the palace of Celes still glowing brightly behind them.


	6. Blood Price

**Blood Price**

A/N - Friendly little note: **_I highly suggest that you don't read this if you haven't read up to chapter 120 yet!_ **

It will screw with your head; trust me on this one.

That being said, I do apologize for writing this; I do love Fai to pieces and it's inordinately cruel to write this, but it's practice and the stupid thing wouldn't leave me in peace until I wrote it out. I hate it. But sometimes things grab me even when I wish they wouldn't.

Disclaimer - I will never own Tsubasa…

-

I don't know what the hell is going on - I just know that the sudden rumbling of the stairs beneath my feet as I run downwards is traveling, vibrating, up my legs, my spine, and deep into whatever part of my brain tells me: this is _bad_. Get out of here!

Except I can't, dammit, I can't because the little princess is down there, somewhere, helpless, and I can't leave her in the middle of whatever it is that's happening. The dream-seer says the other two are down in the basement as well, and though I think it's stupid to trust pictures your subconscious comes up with, I know the kid and I know what he would do if the manju bun said he sensed a feather or the princess' soul down there. And that's tear hell for leather down there and do something about it.

Kind of like what I'm doing now, actually.

The stairs are wide and crumbling, and the ground shaking beneath me doesn't help my balance at all. I see dust and small chunks of rock raining from the ceiling as the place shakes, and I get the sudden vivid mental image of the whole building, weakened by the acid rain, creaking, swaying… collapsing and burying us all under tons of rock and steel. It's against all common sense to run deeper into the bowels of this building, but it's not like I have much choice. Something's up, something big. I have to find out what - even though the rumbling tells me that this is not the kind of something that I can hit with my sword. That thought pisses me off, because it means that I'm helpless, and I _hate_ feeling helpless. It creeps me out, and there's been enough creeping being done here today.

Only moments ago the body of the little princess in my arms dissolved into random Brownian swirls and disappeared. She hadn't been breathing for nearly ten minutes. The dream-seer said she might have transported to join her body under the water. All the more reason for me to find her, then.

Things are beyond my control now, and it makes me _mad_.

But all thoughts of anger and helplessness evaporate into nothing as the dream-seer and I break out of the corridor and into the basement.

There _was_ a reservoir of water here - I remember someone told us that. But now that water is boiling upwards in an angry cyclone, whirling and howling in a furious, demonic, wordless howl, so furiously that the place shakes even more fiercely beneath my feet. It's hard to run; the ground slips back and forth, dancing underneath me as I go. I'm not sure where my foot will land; the ground might suddenly decide to _slip_ a few inches, and then you'd be down, rolling until you caught hold of something, or slammed into it… or simply fell off the edge. I don't like to look over that edge; it's a hell of a long way down. It's so loud that even if I were capable of a rational train of thought right now I would be hard-pressed to hear myself think. I still don't know what's going on and I'm even less sure that I want to.

At the landing I see the manju bun sitting on the shoulder of one of the cloaked men crowded together on the landing, staring out at what's left of their water reservoir. I increase my speed, leaving the dream-seer behind, and skid to a stop a few feet away. The thing spots me and turns, apparently too scared to take a flying leap at me like it usually does, crying, "Kurogane!" There is fear in its voice and that does nothing to improve my own state of uneasiness; if it's bad enough to worry the _manju_….

"Syaoran and Fai haven't come out of the water!"

I stare at the waterspout and cannot help but think dumbly that if those two are in _that_, they're probably not going to get out of it in one piece. I can just see the outline of something in the waterspout, something huge and shadowy, and I think that if the water knocks them hard enough into it that it will probably kill them.

Oh, _damn!_ Just my luck to arrive in time to be forced into saving their asses! Why is it always _me_!

"Get back!" I snap to one of the cloaked guys, pushing him aside as I make my way to the edge. The raw power of that thing makes me wonder what the hell _I'm_ thinking if I'm thinking of a way to go in and get those two idiots out, let alone not get myself killed. It's a steep drop-off past this point and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do - just that I need to do _something_. I'm not entirely clear on why, and I know it's sheer madness, but I've still got to try.

And then the water is gone, whirling up into nothing, and we can see what it was that was hidden under the calm surface of the reservoir.

Down in the place where all those tons of water were is an enormous, pulsating sphere of… something, like an enormously fat spider sitting hunched and twisted and supreme in the center of a web made of its own fleshy legs. I think I see it twitch; I can feel the power pulsating off it like a thousand mini-flesh-spiders burrowing around somewhere under my skin. I step forward, seeing a familiar figure standing on one of the arms, torn and beaten but upright, straight - the kid, he's OK, and I feel a momentary surge of relief until I take a second look.

"What… the…"

Something about him is very, very wrong, and as I stare harder I can see that his eyes are blank, cold, empty of every spark of light that I knew as his soul. I know what's happened, and I don't need the sudden chill in my gut to confirm it - it's his other side, the side that has only begun to show itself recently, the dark side of his fire. And my eyes leave his and are drawn to his right hand.

It's covered in blood and gore, and for a second I don't get it, I'm wondering how he hurt himself, I don't understand…

- _Syaoran and Fai haven't come out of the water! -_

And then my eyes slide over to the kid's other hand, and this one is clean and clenched on the shoulder of a slumped, slender, limp figure of a man in a black shirt and a beat-up cloak, the red of which is darker by several shades than the bright, almost arterial red of the blood that is dripping from this man's lowered, hidden face, pooling beneath his twisted rag-doll form and dripping off the edge into the abyss, soaking into and clumping the fair feathers of hair hiding him. But I know who it is. Of course I do.

My eyes reject what I'm seeing as an impossibility, but at least some part of me knows it is no illusion. I can feel my eyes dilating, and that can't be right, you're not supposed to be able to feel that happening, I can feel every capillary and arteriole in my face draining of blood; I can feel the roughness of the crumbling rock under my feet, the sigh and swell of the air moving through this place in cool, slow, breaths, feel the presence of the others behind me in the press and faint heat of the air. I can't think, but I swear that I can count the individual drops of blood as they fall from the kid's hand…

He's got something, pale and glinting, in his bloody hand, and those pupilless, soulless eyes calmly watch us watching him in disbelief and horror as he raises that hand slowly to his mouth. I'm unaccountably reminded of a man deliberately savoring the last bites of a good meal, and it hits me that whatever he's got he's going to actually swallow. And finally it hits me what he must have in his hand.

The mage's bloody, dripping face - the glint of something pale - and I feel my stomach lurching even as I furiously order it not to, as the kid's hand goes to his partly open mouth. If I believed in a god any more, I'd swear: oh dear _god_, that is disgusting. Dark Syaoran is a monster - it even makes _me_ sick! The kid can't possibly be human. How could he do that? Even like this, even in this state? The kid I know loves that goddamn mage like a big brother.

This is the price we pay for not telling the kid about what happens in his little black-out spells, not warning him so that he might have a chance to control them. This is the price we pay for keeping it secret to save him from more worry; the price we pay for assuming that it would sort itself out on its own, that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Actually I'm not the one paying the price, except to curse myself for a gullible, lazy fool. The one who's really paying for it is the mage, and he's not even the one who noticed it first and still decided to say nothing. He might find a bit of black humour in the irony of that.

Maybe.

Except that I don't know if he's still alive to appreciate it.

Because he's not moving; the kid's just standing there, swallowing; but that stupid, annoying, unfortunate bastard is not moving and if he's breathing it's very, very shallowly… and oh, shit, what do I do now?


End file.
